April went so perfectly right and horribly wrong. I keep wanting to go back to March.

I can’t help but feel alone…

That’s what killed my freind’s father this morning. :(

So I really screwed up this time. I messed everything up with him, but he also screwed up too. So it’s not all my fault, maybe my fault more than his, but you would have done the same thing if it happened to you. I started listening to Tech N9ne, because it’s one of his favorite rappers. I’m addicted to their Dysfunctional song. Because it’s true, “I’m a little dysfunctional, don’t you know? If you push me, It might be bad. Get a little emotional, Don’t you know? You could fool around and make me mad. I’m a little dysfunctional, Don’t you know? If you push me, It might be bad. Get a little emotional, Don’t you know? Might fool around and make me mad. Don’t make me mad.” Which is completely true, I don’t know how to deal with my anger when I do get mad, and I do get a little emotional at times, and it sucks. I just didn’t know that when it came to love, that you had to fight to get the upper hand. I can’ remember what lyrics that was from, I think its from Taylor Swift or something around hose lines. But I can’t this boy off my mind, and last night I had a dream about him. We accidently ran into each other and we just went at it, yelling and screaming at each other about we screwed each other over, and I started crying and so did he, and eventually we did make up and at the end of the dream we were together again, but I woke up because I knew better that this would never happen. And then reality hits me, and I just start sobbing, like someone just died or as if I was dying. Because he will never know how quickly he went from being someone I might be into to someone who was very important to me. I know this is pathetic, but I am a hopeless romantic and I can’t get his blue eyes out of my mind, I can’t remember what he sounded like when he talked because we haven’t seen each other in  months. And the sound of his voice was so comforting to me. And I just wished he knew that how much he affected me and how much it bothers me that he could leave me so effortlessly. I know it’s pathetic because we were unofficially together for a month and a half, and officially together for two days before he called it off. But those first two weeks was hooked me too him like some type of drug that lingers in your system months after you’ve tried it. And you can’t get the same high with something else, or another boy in my case, but you get pretty close but it’s not the same. Well that’s how I feel and he hasn’t talked to me in weeks and honestly its bringing me down, and I just wish he knew how much he means to me. 

[Intro]
First entry for Sickology 101, Dysfunctional

[Tech N9ne]
Yeah
Don’t you bring me nothing stupid
If you don’t want me to lose it
Step back if you don’t want me to attack
I’m a beast, Better give me the deuces

I have no tolerance for nonsense
Get away from me
Me don’t wanna get dollars
Don’t wanna holler but you makin me
I’m a little dysfunctional
You’re the problem, Please don’t awakin me
And I’m that way cause back in the day
Most have forsaken me

Lodi dodi, I’m at the party
On a drunk night with a punk
Might dude wanna pick a fight because he’s sorry…
That he aint Gotti, Like I be
Cause he sloppy, Not me
Costly rocks be spot free

But he don’t know I’m roguish
Surrounded by my soldiers
And they be locked and loaded
Will explode if you can’t hold us
And we don’t got no scruples
We didn’t come to fight and shoot you
But you busters better be mutual
Don’t get loose because we cuckoo

Listen, They call me genius, I run the show
Woman be on my penis, It’s wonderful
Demons think they the meanest
But I brung the foe on the flow
Little bit sick, Don’t you know?

[Hook: Big Krizz Kaliko]
I’m a little dysfunctional, Don’t you know?
If you push me, It might be bad
Get a little emotional, Don’t you know?
You could fool around and make me mad
I’m a little dysfunctional, Don’t you know?
If you push me, It might be bad
Get a little emotional, Don’t you know?
Might fool around and make me mad
Don’t make me mad

[Big Scoob]
Born to hustle
I’m a product of environment
The game done changed
So I’ve been forced into retirement
But I make moves and I paid dues
And I got common sense
Since I can’t lose and I can’t choose
Then I’ll come back to spit
I got hit songs but I’ve been gone so long that I don’t fit
Near death, Dethrone but can’t get on
So I need me a lick
I write these songs but don’t belong
I’m on some other shit
I’m huntin leads in desperate need
I hope it’s comin quick
I’d wrap my brain to find a lane
That’s gon’ bring me some change
But it’s so strange, My life has changed
And I am not the same
I come around but since I’m down
It feels uncomfortable
I try to hide it deep inside but I’m dysfunctional
I never learned to hold it in
I gets emotional
First, Implode then explode
I’m combustible
So please don’t push to play me, pussy
On some real shit, Won’t be defeated
If I’m heated, nigga
Oh shit!

[Hook: Big Krizz Kaliko]
I’m a little dysfunctional, Don’t you know?
If you push me, It might be bad
Get a little emotional, Don’t you know?
You could fool around and make me mad
I’m a little dysfunctional, Don’t you know?
If you push me, It might be bad
Get a little emotional, Don’t you know?
Might fool around and make me mad
Don’t make me mad

[Big Krizz Kaliko]
I aint no killer but don’t push me
Qu-Qu-Qu-Quiet boy never been no pussy
Could be carrying something up under my hoody
Course me never snap and kill a baller, y’all
Or would he?

Now I wanna be peaceful
But I carry Desert Eagles where ever black people are
You know how black people are
I peep ‘em out, Try to stay evened out
Wanna preach to ‘em but their evil keep on seepin out
Emotions get the best of me
Messed up and then y’all get the rest of me
Depressed and stressed, Feel like my destiny
I know y’all think less of me
Cause I’m always sick and I can’t let it be
Pharmaceutical soup be the best recipe
It’s gon’ be the death of me

I need different cultures to coast
While I keep throwin them pills down my throat

Dysfunctional blunts will do
Smokin Bombay can give me Fung Shui
But I wish that it all would go away
Or maybe I should pray for Jesus Christ
To just un-pretzel me
Tryin to pray for change
But sometimes it feel like he lets it be
So I just take another couple doses
Probably be fine but if you get too close
You’ll find out that I…

[Hook: Big Krizz Kaliko]
I’m a little dysfunctional, Don’t you know?
If you push me, It might be bad
Get a little emotional, Don’t you know?
You could fool around and make me mad
I’m a little dysfunctional, Don’t you know?
If you push me, It might be bad
Get a little emotional, Don’t you know?
Might fool around and make me mad
Don’t make me mad

It’s pretty funny that after everything, you are STILL that guy I want to be with at the end of the day. I can’t get you out of my head, and I dreamed that we’ll be together. I keep trying to call you. But after I get done dialing your number, I can never push the call button. I just stare at your number, and think about you not picking up and I wouldn’t know what to leave in your voicemail or even leave a voicemail. I just know that I miss you. 

It’s raining cats and dogs right now

I’m freezing cold right now

Can’t go home right now

Wants to get some food right now

Oh well, for now

Nothing makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside like being ignored.